Famous Last Words

Yes, it's been a while. Too long. We all know this, so let's not dwell on such an obvious point shall we? The important thing is that I am back. Allow me to clarify this straight off- be not fooled by the title, this shall be no chronicle of my demise. If you'll permit me to elaborate, I shall endeavour to enlighten you regarding one of my life missions.

Ever considered the manner in which you shall meet your end? Sure, we've all pondered our mortality every now and then but therein lies a facet so rarely addressed. It may not be the most pressing thought in one's mind come the date of inevitable expiry, but that is all the more reason to have in place your plan for that final utterance. On the spot, under pressure, you may be more focussed on the dwindling rhythms of your heart, the final ravages of that cancer that has so sadly won out in the end or even the unanticipated tractor sitting upon your chest and so who could deliver an eloquent final line at such a time? Very few. And yet we are awash in a world of famous quotes from those to have gone to their deaths with either glorious verbosity or simple poignancy. Perhaps these shining wordsmiths have been struck by an opportune spark of brilliance at that most sapping of times, when salvation from their fate would have received greater welcome. Yet, what a way to go! Heck, many of them cannot be truly substantiated but what a mark to leave upon the world. Even if that world is just the simple few to have borne witness to your departure from this coil.

We all die eventually, but it is in those final moments when we may be afforded our greatest audience. And who doesn't want to kick that bucket with a line of sheer perfection? It's an opportunity to leave a vocal monument to yourself, and by golly I intend to make the most of it! That's right, I slip into the occasional absent -minded quest for the perfect statement with which to resign myself to my fate. I'm not about to suggest that it's a constant pursuit that plagues my every waking hour, but it is a long running hobby of mine (if that is what it may be called) to ponder what I would like to say when the inevitable comes.

I realise that I am unlikely to get the chance to use any of the finalists but it's a goal to have, right? I mean, I'm talking the ultimate performance piece. You can plan it for your whole life, rehearse and rehearse (before heading to the hearse) but in that time of dying, you've only got one chance. There is no second chance should you fluff your final words. You mess it up, and you die a poor man, destroyed by the syphilis that enveloped you, and leaving only garbled sounds that may not even qualify as words. What a shameful waste that would be. More potentially galling still is the likelihood of mistimed wisdom. There you are, lying within the ever waiting deathbed (of which I have heard so much as to decide never to lie down when I'm feeling poorly, for fear of imminent decline), your race run, reminiscing and romanticising your long life beside your fourth wife, the 20-something year old one with the body, and you summon just enough strength to flush out a beautiful refrain that shall surely enrapture those who hear it. Your moment of glory assured you can go now, and so you relax....only to absent mindedly empty your bowels, and wonder aloud with your last breath as to the injustice-

"Ah fuck I've shat mys....".

And there it is, a master-class in how to ruin your legacy. You've gone and spoiled it and there is no opportunity to redress.

Obviously there is a get out clause in this tricky situation, so fraught with danger as it is. That clause is the humble epitaph. The inscription on your grave or what-have-you can also stand as a lasting testament to your irreplaceable wit. And yet I feel that is all too easy. Where's the grace under the pressure of that most irrepressible of all forces? It would take a truly outstanding degree of presence to keep it together to ease forth with such candour as you teeter on the brink in whatever fashion you may do, and that sounds just dandy is all.

Of course I am aware that I am arguing in favour of pre-planning the use of "wit", which by its very virtue should be a spontaneous piece of elegant humour. Yet when the stakes are as high as these, I trust you shall allow me my failings. Now, I'm off to scheme and plot my ultimate victory in the face of my eventual downfall.

Times, they are a-changin'

Dear blog,

How have you been? I haven't written in you for some considerable time, but we've both been pretty busy I'd imagine. You've been sitting here doing nothing!? You lazy bastard! I'll let it slide this once, seeing as I've been there myself. One day you too could turn the corner, as I hope I have this year. Allow me to elaborate....

This past month has been the worst start to a year I can remember, personally. I'm not one for giving a toss about calendars for the most part, but this year I have, partly due to these ominous beginnings, made what may be my first set of "New Year's Resolutions". It's not been hard to think of the aspects I wish to improve upon, although some will be easier than others. And other parts are entirely beyond my control and unlikely to succeed. This is my attempt to focus on the points I can fix.

Anybody carrying a degree of knowledge of my person could quite conceivably identify key failings in my make-up (not that kind of make-up, that was a one time only deal....probably). My diet has been a long-term fault which I've been endeavouring to rectify without sustained success. That's where the main facet of this fresh start comes in- it's time to try new things. Already I've gone for my first proper cup of coffee. My mocha was not an overwhelming success story but it was a sign of intent. Following on from that shot across the bow I even downed my first entirely voluntary cup of tea (in the presence of none to verify the unique happening I shall confess) t'other night. Again it was no more than a fleeting foray into the caffeinated beverage world as a means to push myself on. This has now been followed up with the purchase of a bottle of Thai sweet chilli sauce (a decision likely to appear to be even less than innocuous to all but one person to have inhabited my sphere of acquaintance) along with pasta and noodles. Next come the peppers and most stunningly to myself the desire to have a crack at pizza. There will be tomato. This is a bloody huge leap, as those who may be aware of my culinary phobia of the red bastards may be aware. These efforts aside, I'm not yet sure where my attempts at dietary reform may lead me.

What else lies in store?

With what has gone on thus far in 2010, I have realised that I need to concentrate on getting some things underway and making something of my life. Yeah, of course I knew I had to get working on that all along but I've realised just how unfulfilled most areas of this existance have been in the last few years. I'd made renewed efforts in recent months, since my stagnation was brought to my attention, but now I realise that I need to place more emphasis on this for my own satisfaction. This isn't another depressed and withering self-assessment ladies and gentleman so shield not your eyes behind a cushion! One part I was hugely happy with for the most part in the last number of years has been removed from my life. That truly has sucked more than a hoover in a blow-job factory (I stand by this) but I wasn't as innocent in it as I had believed. For this, I am sorry, and no longer solely for myself, but for how my lesser qualities impacted upon the other party. That said, my word do I have many fine characteristics! You may note the absence of a question mark. Note it good dear, unfortunate reader for I am among the top five best people in the world ever- FACT! Now answer me this- have you ever seen a finer use of hyperbole? No? I rest my case!

I'm done detailing my plans in depth so here is the list-
1) Try new things. As rambled above, this is already well underway.
2) Learn to drive at long, long, overdue last. Also in process with lessons kicking off in 2 days....at 9.15am no less!
3) Get a job. A long term goal but one that is now going into overdrive like you can not believe.
4) Find a career path. This is more of a life goal than a year plan but it's going to need more attention.
5) Write. This here blog thing is only the first step as I attempt to remind myself how to commit to writing. I've got a few books on the go, reading-wise, at present and these have inspired me to refine my own style and get to work on writing some stories. Mostly these shall be short and without necessary target but I'm hoping that I will be able to get a more cogent tale together and see how far I can string it out. I've already got my ideas on this one and it's starting up nicely. And one thing I can say about myself, be it a positive or a negative, is that once I start writing on something, I've overcome my biggest hurdle.

Ill keep this updated with my progress and musings, hopefully of a better, more hopeful quality than they have been. Wish me luck silent blog reading world (I number likely readership of this at one soul) for I am setting off on something now! (That reads a little "goodbye cruel world"-y doesn't it?)

P.S. I'd like to address my earlier claim that I am quite probably always right by stating that in that I was wrong as there were things I had not considered....pretty close to always though!

A guide to life and love in a syphilised society

Can I just start by expressing my deepest condolences to anyone who has either happened upon this diary of morose ramblings by sheer bad luck, bad judgement or by having been linked here by an unhinged "friend" of theirs who really should have known better. In addition, I'd like to state that I'm not usually quite as bleak as I have recently expressed myself to be. That's a whole new facet to my winning personality and one I am cultivating in order to pair with the lisp I am endeavouring to effect. It's a work in progress, but my word it shall be magnificent when put alongside a top hat and a monocle!

Now, where was I supposed to be....oh yeah....

On occasion, I am given great reason to fear for the future of this country. This is as a result of noticing the inherent stupidity permeating our society.
"What has brought this to your attention today in particular?" I believe I heard nobody ask. Well the thing is....

As previously suggested, I've been having a little trouble getting back on the employment horse. It's a metaphorical horse. I've wondered why I've been overlooked and lacking so much as a single reply to my applications in recent months, even for jobs I have seen myself as over-qualified for. Then I came across an ad upon a job hunting website this fine eve. Nothing fancy, just some data entry dealy that merely questioned as to whether the applicant was computer literate. This query perturbed me. First up is the fact that the job was advertised on the internet, which I am led to believe is mostly accessed through computers. This theory occurred to me after my repeated attempts at accessing my email through communication with my shoe left me frustrated, bloodied and shoeless. Then came my greatest cause for concern (well one part concern, two parts outrage, and seven parts giggling)- "Do you are computer literate?". That question sprung out at me like a misused shoe through a window. A job involving computer work, requesting specifically someone with the ability to type coherently, clearly posted by someone with the intelligence of the illegitimate spawn of a man and his sibling....who happened to be a traffic cone. Yet recent experience tells me I'm unlikely to receive a call back on this position. It might not have helped to threaten them as I did in my attached cover letter but I have been running out of ideas.

Also troubling was my having borne witness to, on this the coldest day since the last cold one (yesterday), a young lady wrapped warmly in a scarf and, as near as I could tell, nothing else. Alright, so I say "nothing else", when really she was at least wearing an inane smile painted upon her bronzed face too. What a trooper! Here it is, the key to life and love in a syphilised society as viewed by the future rulers of the world- frostbite is the sexiest thing you can bring to the party. Maybe I'm being harsh. Perhaps the layers of fluorescent spray paint acting as her tan were insulating her. Perhaps the amount of CFCs she used to perfect that oh so sought after back combed style (looking as though she'd just been party to some overly aggressive hair pulling by a crazed gibbon at the zoo) had created some sort of localised greenhouse effect to keep her warm and toasty. Sadly the most likely reason is that she was on her way out to get pissed in a field and shag some guy in the toilets of Burger King. I suppose body warmth has its benefits but I still wanted to throw my shoes at her. After extensive communication with them though, we decided it best not pursue such an avenue. Nigel is a sensible moccasin. Useless as a means of accessing the internet, but reliable when it comes to matters of sound judgement.

What can we do to address the issue of young folk and their burgeoning careers as walking (tottering really) STD machines? Probably nothing sadly. We're doomed everybody. So goodnight and remember that the next pair of legs you see dangling from a hedge could belong to the future president of this country.

Crestfallen? Let's build a club house

So you like someone. I mean you really like someone. That special someone that you feel could add an extra touch of meaning to your life, to make it all the more worthwhile. You think about it, but you know it could never happen. You're not what they'd be looking for. Then that feeling hits your veins: What if you have a shot? People always question why you're still single. Anyone who knows you struggles to understand it, maybe feeling that you just don't want a relationship or, as the hushed theories would suggest, that there's some hidden reason along the lines of your own reluctance. So what are you to do? And why the b'jaysus are you still on the shelf!?

You allow yourself to hope. It's the age of mobile communication so you pluck up the courage to type out that text or email. It's not easy but you get it done. It's overly formal and only if you're feeling particularly confident, or perhaps just as nervous, will you try and include something casual or even jovial. Then you second guess yourself. This is make or break time but let's just take it that this is one of those occasions on which you gulp back that necessary courage and send that message. And then you wait....

....and you wait some more....

This is when your mind betrays your earlier self-belief. Now you re-read the message you sent. Obsessively, compulsively you check that outgoing communication to see if you got the contact right. You sent it to the right person alright.
"Oh fuck! Did I accidentally insult them? Did I mis-type 'yours faithfully' as 'you're a gobshite'?"
Sure it's unlikely, but stress induced Tourette's is always in the back of your mind as a distinct possibility. Then you wonder whether you were too formal; does anyone stick so rigidly on ceremony these days? That's when it hits you:
"Did I send it to the right person!?"
Sure you've been here before but were you really thorough enough? Yep, that was the right place to send the message....

....so you wait some more....

Now, I can take rejection. It's not ideal, but if they at least get back to you to say "I'm flattered but -insert excuse here-" you can have some closure. It's alright if they tell you that they're not interested cos, quite frankly, you have the face of a gargoyle. Or even that when they think of a potential mate combined with the word "hump", that hunch in your back isn't what they had in mind. It's the waiting that makes it so unbearable. Even more than the waiting, it's the eventual realisation that this person just isn't going to reply that hurts the most. Rejection is one thing, being ignored is quiite another.

Imagine how it would feel for that to happen on a continuing basis. Done? Now imagine how it would feel for that pattern to carry on for just over two years. With me on this? Even try to think of how it would be for you if, in that time, some of these people who did not respond to your advances were ones that you felt could be "the one". Consider checking back surreptitiously, while hoping for their reply, only to discover that they've found someone else. Pretty difficult to stomach? Absolutely! And now remember that people were already whispering about your inability to nail someone down (in a non-crucificationy kinda way, of course) when it had just been a month or two of relative failure. People you barely know are questioning those who know you better, even best. It's impacting on how you are viewed by strangers and those that truly matter. Stressful?

Well now imagine how this would read if I were to substitute the ideal of a romantic entanglement with the prospect of a job. These were not prospective lovers, these were prospective employers. Cos you better believe that it's no less difficult being under that spotlight.

Welcome to my world, take a seat and stay a while. Cos it's getting kinda cold and lonely in here on my own.

Snowbound still

Today I am bulimic. Yesterday I was anorexic. If that's news to you, you'd better believe it's news to me also.

Now I know that I've got quite the svelte figure (if I stick my tongue out and turn to the side I look like a zip) but an eating disorder? Well that seems to be the concern of my dear parents. It's true that they are prone to jumping to one or more of many wrong conclusions akin to some manner of demented Mario brothers leaping from block to goomba to block. But this time they're missing the actual point, the bloody big mushroom brick in the room. Yet I suppose I can understand this current misunderstanding- I did eat little food yesterday. I do not mean miniature foodstuffs. I mean a minimal amount of regular sized sustinance. And it's also true that the first thing I did when I got out of bed today was throw up. As such, I will freely admit that such concerns could be well-founded this once. They're wrong, but it's understandable. The fact is stress has reduced my appetite and fuck knows what lost me my lunch. My diet may be unhealthy but it is nigh on unquenchable.

My hope was to venture forth, through the wilderness that Dublin has become, and get myself one or several drinks. The snow managed to put an end to that plan once again though. Instead I'm housebound and left with little more than my thoughts for company. Sadly, there's little comfort to be found in my head space at present. I'm afraid that while I am sheltered from the supremely whitened outside world, I'm a prisoner to the one inside.

All sounds rather dark again doesn't it? I'm sure it's not as bad as it all reads to be. We all get times when things get on top of us. Everything just gets magnified when you've got nothing to distract you from it. The snow is pretty to look at 'n' all but it's difficult when you've nothing to do to busy yourself. There's only so much I can do around the house. And now, nightmarishly, the power dims as I type. Without electricity I've got no distraction whatsoever and then I shall surely go mad.

Please Thor, do not take my sole remaining outlet from me! I'll be your best friend....there may be an opening

Minute irritations

If there's one thing worse than being angered, it's that emotion being coupled with confusion. We've all been there. Someone is pissed with you and you have no idea why. Worst case scenario, they won't even talk to you or try to explain it. Where's the bleedin' sense in that!?

Whatever the situation, I will always have the decency to be open with a person should they enrage me in some fashion. I will give them the opportunity to put across their side and generally like to bring the argument to an end as swiftly as possible so as neither party is put under undue stress. As such, those who claim to avoid confrontation by simply stringing the other person along and ignoring them, thus deepening the mire, are beyond my understanding. I loathe disrespect of that nature. As much as I despise having something dropped on me out of the blue by someone, I hold even greater disdain for the practice of then choosing to ignore the other person. A bit of consideration is the least someone deserves, even if they're only a minor part of your life. I ask this of people because I would be ashamed of myself were I not to offer the same treatment in return.

There are many little irritations of this nature that crop up in my everyday life. I have no interest in politics. Apparently, this reflects poorly on me as a person. People have been known to say that those who do not cast a vote in an election have no right to complain. That is utter crap. I am entitled not to vote, by virtue of the ideals of democracy. This does not mean that I have to be happy with the results. I'm obsessed with football and although I don't get to pick the team, I reserve the right to express opinions on it. Similarly with politics, one man does not make a difference. That is absolute fallacy. The only way one could is if everybody else refuses to vote. Should that occur, then clearly there is a serious fault within the system. Much in the same way that I have no knowledge of electrics, yet feel that even if I didn't try to fix a problem myself on account of this lack of knowledge, I expect the professionals to do a good job and would be entitled to complain should they not complete the task adequately.

Finally for tonight, religion comes to my mind again. Being an atheist, some look on me as having no hope or desire to live. Are you taking the piss? That's the teenage "look at me, I'm conflicted and in need of attention" version of atheism! I'm the one who believes that there is no life after death. Why in the world then would I want this life to end!? I also take umberage with being viewed as having no beliefs of my own, simply as I do not believe in the existance of a power beyond our earthly existance. There is a big difference between "believing in nothing" and "believing there IS nothing". Many would do well to learn the distinction before attempting to downplay opinions outside the sphere of religious faith. That sounds more threatening than the spirit in which it is intended. You know that I'm a pussy cat really. Come stroke me....er....I can't get things to sound anything other than suspect tonight.

I hope that next time I type in thee, oh blog of mine, I will have more upbeat and chipper musings to share. However, it's looking like a rough few weeks lie ahead. And apparently, I don't have a say in the matter.

How to incite anger through logic

I have been left pondering a perculiarly recurring theme. Why is it that people so readily react with malicious retalliation to logic? Why is sensible thought treated by so many as a cause to react with venom?

I suppose the simple answer is that people are invariably fearful of their own flaws. Nobody likes to have their mistakes noted by others, even in the context of a relatively casual conversation when meant as nothing other than a non-inflammatory statement. I'm not even talking about an inadvertantly insulting comment. The provocative nature of such indiscretions I can fathom quite comfortably. It's the other instances whereby, for example, one may point out a hole in a plan or the hypocrisy of a statement (often simply in passing, although sometimes in an attempt to highlight the folly of the other in the pursuit of proving one's own point) that leave me confused and frequently angered.

I should probably put on record now that I occasionally (read- always) use unnecessarily flowery wording and syntax when I get into the swing of a ramble or rant. This is clearly an occasion of the latter. For as much as I am bound by logic, I am also increasingly burdened by it....or perhaps more precisely burdened by what I view as others' inability to grasp the very concept. I consider myself an astute reader of people. We're a pretty straight-forward little species. I "get" people. Spiders, not so much. Why do they need so many legs for fuck's sake!? As a rule, the majority of us folk are out for ourselves the majority of the time. Motives for our actions, be they positive or negative, minor or major generally follow a basic pattern. We are as we are; ruled by our own illogical choices and beliefs. For example, why did I choose to put a semi-colon in the previous sentence? I have never grasped the mechanics behind its proper placement, but it has to show up somewhere, right? There's method to my madness but the choice is hardly defined by logic.

Beliefs? The very notion of the existence of Santa Clause (sorry if I'm crushing any belief systems here) is to be deemed ridiculous once we reach a certain age and supposed level of awareness. However, if I were to put to the majority that the idea of God is equally as absurd, I would be greeted with considerable opposition. Really though, the argument that Santa is a verifiable construct of man is no more true than to say the same of God! Christians, to pick a religious banner I'm familiar with, base their faith on a book written by man. The more open-minded, or modern, among them are willing to question its previous place as an article of absolute fact and describe the contents as tales not to be taken literally but to be used in order to gather meaning and print upon one's life where appropriate. This very acceptance is to agree that "God's book" is a construct of man! People believe in such a deity because they feel that living the good life is worthy of reward in an after-life. What is the point in living well if there is nothing in death? I feel that we get one shot at life and we need live as good people in order to make the most of this glorious opportunity. This is not me being anti-Christian or any other religious group. Everybody is free to believe in what they want. This is my belief. If you think it is wrong, then to you it is wrong. Yet the logic in religious belief is suspect, undeniably. It relies on faith alone.

Lately, as some of you are aware, I have had greater experience of a world without logic and sense. Some of the people in my life don't necessarily appear capable of grasping simple concepts or standing by their own previously expressed beliefs any more. It has been and will remain difficult to deal with. There has been a great deal of anger and frustration expressed towards me, which I have mirrored with a substantial addition of exasperation. I am frequently left to make sense of things on my own that simply do not tally up. I have not had the benefit of being able to talk through such problems with those involved. As such I have attempted to bury my occasional resentment in the face of treatment I have sometimes felt unfair. I am well aware that I am not always right, even when it often feels that I am. To be met with open hostility, in a world without apology, on those occasions when I am undeniably right, however, slays me. On many instances, and these are the ones I abhor, I have been well aware that my antagonist knows that they are mistaken or otherwise out of order, and yet treat me as the guilty party. And we're not talking in a manner of passive accusation. I mean through attacking me in spite of the obvious fact that I've made the right call. Thankfully, such happenings are quite rare. Generally arguments aren't so cut and dry. Usually everything is in a shade of grey. As often as I am hard done by, I am the wrongful aggressor. I know this because it is only logical. There is no way I could be right every time.

But fuck me it sure feels like it right now!