Girlfriend For Winter

Today, the following ad was brought to my attention in the course of some job seeking:

Girlfriend For Winter

The Days Are Getting Shorter. When The Grey Sheets Of Misery That Invariably Cover Our Skys Briefly Part, The Precious Little Light That Does Manage To Penetrate Our Atmosphere Fails To Raise The Temperature By More Than A Few Paltry Degrees. Having Discussed This Situation With My Housemate We Have Come Upon A Solution. What I Need Is A Girlfriend. Just For Winter. When Spring Comes I Will Set You Free. I Like Eating Food With My Girlfriend. I Like Watching Black And White Romantic Films With My Girlfriend. I Like Baking With My Girlfriend. I Like Kittens With My Girlfriend. I Like Reading The Paper In Bed On A Sunday With My Girlfriend. I Like Being Silly With My Girlfriend. I Like Walking In The Park With My Girlfriend. I Like Scrambled Eggs And Crispy Bacon And Toast With Lots Of Butter With My Girlfriend. I Like Drinking Wine With My Girlfriend. Do You Like To Do These Things With Your Boyfriend? Do You Know Someone That Does? Winter Is Bleak. Come Round My House And Keep My Bed Warm. You Will Be Payed Handsomly In Swiss Cheese And Empty Promises.

Suffice to say, I was touched (emotionally speaking) by the heartfelt plea of a fellow Edinburgh inhabitant. I felt it was only right to reply:

You had me at "misery"

OK, I know I might not be ideally suited to your desires but, if we can just get past the me having a penis thing, then I think we could have something beautiful here.

I mean, I'm house-trained, affectionate, sensitive and a great listener. Added to that the fact that, in the right light (say that of a romantic full moon), and providing no more than a week's beard growth on my part, I could pass for a particularly handsome young lady (if you squint). My child bearing hips don't lie.

As if to sweeten the deal yet further, I am an expert cuddler. Please try to look beyond potential erections that could arise on my part, as sometimes a man just needs to be held.

Let's look past social taboos and make the winter a more beautiful time together.

Let me be your man-blanket.
Hugs (see?),

Deebs


I could have said more. I could have said a lot more, yet I felt it best to leave a modicum of mystery intact. And it gives me more to work with in the event of him responding.

Why does he capitalise Every Single Word? That was something I could help him with. The two of us curled up under a blanket, nursing hot chocolates while doing the crossword (and musing over the merits of kittens), as I gently reprimand him for his linguistic follies. It could be adorable.... platonically adorable.

If he replies, I'll let him tell you the story himself when he comes home with me for Christmas.

****UPDATE****

I hath been in receipt of further communication:

you gave me a bloody good chuckle. Sadly it might be hard to get past the penis thing. Winter is not the time for me to try new things. Maybe in when spring comes ill be more open minded.

Well there you have it then. Rejection. And so it seems my hopes for a "Christmas miracle" have been dashed for another year. We'll always have the memories of what could have been.

....OK, I need to find myself a girl, fast.