I had arrived at this point of renewed determination in light of the events that befell me as 2011's days drew to a close. Not quite the last day of the year, but a couple of days beforehand. I shan't attempt to deny the presence of alcohol in my system. Neither shall I protest that I was anything other than inebriated. Bearing such admissions in mind, I will still blame the majority of the woes in question on the influence of a friend. I would never wish to sully his reputation by naming him outright, and so discretion dictates that an alias will protect his identity in tonight's writings. He shall appear under the pseudonym of "Bawdy" (apt).
A simple evening it were, filled with the joviality and frivolity one would associate with a typical night out in this dear Scottish hamlet as the calendar lessens its hold and condemns another cycle to nostalgia. The plan to vacate the flat with a visiting Bawdy for one drink (two, tops) in the guise of a reunion with another friend (let's call her "Dora") was always destined to stretch beyond that number. And that it did. That it did indeed, with the familiarly slurred rallying cry of "Hive til five!".
Hive til five? I add further, and not just for the purposes of rhyme, that The Hive is a dive. I had sworn never to return to the venue where sweat (and assorted mystery fluid) drips from the ceilings to pool on the floors as vagabonds and urchins group together to thieve and destroy. Yet this night I did return. The following is the way in which events unfolded.
Hive til five? I add further, and not just for the purposes of rhyme, that The Hive is a dive. I had sworn never to return to the venue where sweat (and assorted mystery fluid) drips from the ceilings to pool on the floors as vagabonds and urchins group together to thieve and destroy. Yet this night I did return. The following is the way in which events unfolded.
As told by Hollywood
As told by reality (and eventual sobriety)
As told by reality (and eventual sobriety)
I rounded a corner, leaving my comrades in my wake as I sought to gather further libations for our party. And then my eyes met those of a stunning young maiden across the bar. My breath was taken away by her beauty. I stumbled forward, as if pulled by a force beyond my reckoning. Yet, as quickly as I had gazed upon her, she was lost to me again amidst the throng of souls sweating and slobbering over each other like feral dogs. I returned to my base, stung by the brevity of the affair.
I rounded a corner, leaving the guys behind, as I felt we needed more alcohol to truly be drunk enough to stand the place. And then my eyes met the ceiling. My breath was taken away by the force with which my body had crashed to the floor when I slipped in that pool of fuck-knows-what. I stumbled forward, pulled by the hands of some security guy in a high-visibility jacket who, in guarding the puddle of....I don't want to know....had neglected to inform me of the hazard. Yet, as quickly as I had regained my composure, I was back to sweating and slobbering over the bar like a feral dog. I returned to my base, stung by the impact of my hip against the hard ground.
Some time later, as we made good our escape into the freezing outdoors come 5 in the morning, I chanced upon her once more outside the venue. I approached, drawn by her warmth, and everything felt as it should be. It was then that I was struck in an entirely more physical manner, blind-sided by a blow to the face. Clearly I had approached a siren and been drawn to the rocks. As blood gushed from my torn lip, I turned to confront my attacker. And so a fight to maintain the honour of a lady had begun. Now, I shan't bore you with the details but, as befitting my heroic intent, I emerged with all I had coveted and some minor injuries not counted upon. I limped home, broken, but not beaten. I held her close and allowed myself to be lost in her grateful embrace, flanked by Bawdy and Dora acting as my own personal bodyguards in case of further furore.
Some time later, as we made good our escape into the freezing outdoors come 5 in the morning, I chanced upon an air vent outside the venue. I approached, drawn by its warmth, and everything felt as it should be. It was then that I was struck in an entirely more physical manner, blind-sided by a blow to the face. Clearly I had been an idiot. As blood gushed from my torn lip, I turned to notice I had inadvertently head-butted the wall. And so a fight to maintain my dignity had begun. Now, I shan't bore you with the details but, as befitting my complete drunkenness, I emerged with garlic bread and some minor injuries not counted upon. I limped home, broken, weeping. I held the garlic bread close and allowed myself to be lost in the thought of food to come, flanked by Bawdy and Dora acting as my own personal bodyguards in case of further stupidity.
Back in the flat, I left Dora with my heart's desire in the kitchen so she could acquaint herself with her and ventured in search of a conspicuously absent Bawdy. I pinpointed his location as being in the bathroom.
Back in the flat, I left Dora with my garlic bread in the kitchen so she could heat it and ventured in search of a conspicuously absent Bawdy. I pinpointed his location as being in the bathroom.
"Bawdy? *gentle knock* Bawdy? Are you OK, my friend? I'm kind of worried here, Bawdy. *gentle knock*"
"BAWDY!? *slamming fist on door* BAWDY!? Fuck's sake! For fuck's sake, Bawdy! *furiously flicks light switch on and off*"
Several times I returned to the kitchen to consult with Dora and, yes, embrace my new-found beloved before deciding that the best course of action would be to kick in the door to save my dear, fallen friend. I kicked, well aware he was near death, clinging to life on the floor. Using all my remaining strength I broke down that door and carried him safely to the kitchen. I returned, intending to make sure he had all he needed, but lost myself in the relieved thought that I had saved Bawdy- that was all that mattered, Everybody decided it best, in light of the night's drama, to retire to our beds. A discrete peck on the cheek was all that I afforded my lady, as gentlemanly conduct would allow me to overstep no greater bounds on this occasion. I tip-toed to my bedroom, glad for the friends I had. My mind was at rest.
Some time later, as we made good our escape into the freezing outdoors come 5 in the morning, I chanced upon an air vent outside the venue. I approached, drawn by its warmth, and everything felt as it should be. It was then that I was struck in an entirely more physical manner, blind-sided by a blow to the face. Clearly I had been an idiot. As blood gushed from my torn lip, I turned to notice I had inadvertently head-butted the wall. And so a fight to maintain my dignity had begun. Now, I shan't bore you with the details but, as befitting my complete drunkenness, I emerged with garlic bread and some minor injuries not counted upon. I limped home, broken, weeping. I held the garlic bread close and allowed myself to be lost in the thought of food to come, flanked by Bawdy and Dora acting as my own personal bodyguards in case of further stupidity.
Back in the flat, I left Dora with my heart's desire in the kitchen so she could acquaint herself with her and ventured in search of a conspicuously absent Bawdy. I pinpointed his location as being in the bathroom.
Back in the flat, I left Dora with my garlic bread in the kitchen so she could heat it and ventured in search of a conspicuously absent Bawdy. I pinpointed his location as being in the bathroom.
"Bawdy? *gentle knock* Bawdy? Are you OK, my friend? I'm kind of worried here, Bawdy. *gentle knock*"
"BAWDY!? *slamming fist on door* BAWDY!? Fuck's sake! For fuck's sake, Bawdy! *furiously flicks light switch on and off*"
Several times I returned to the kitchen to consult with Dora and, yes, embrace my new-found beloved before deciding that the best course of action would be to kick in the door to save my dear, fallen friend. I kicked, well aware he was near death, clinging to life on the floor. Using all my remaining strength I broke down that door and carried him safely to the kitchen. I returned, intending to make sure he had all he needed, but lost myself in the relieved thought that I had saved Bawdy- that was all that mattered, Everybody decided it best, in light of the night's drama, to retire to our beds. A discrete peck on the cheek was all that I afforded my lady, as gentlemanly conduct would allow me to overstep no greater bounds on this occasion. I tip-toed to my bedroom, glad for the friends I had. My mind was at rest.
Several times I returned to the kitchen to consult with Dora and, yes, the garlic bread before deciding that the best course of action would be to ring that asshole's phone. I called, well aware he was sleeping, clinging to his lunch on the floor. Using all my remaining credit I got through to him and told him to piss off back to the kitchen. I returned, intending to relieve myself, but tripped into the bath before I could, cursing Bawdy's name loudly as I crashed- that fucker shall rue this day! Everybody decided it best, in light of the night's drama, to retire to our beds. Ravenous consumption of the majority of the garlic bread was all that I could manage, as alcoholic conduct mandated. I stomped loudly to my bedroom, wincing in pain. My hips and lips were fucked.
As it turned out, it was not to go as planned with my "true love". Bawdy and my dear, sweet girl grew closer as we grew distant. I realised at the end of New Year's Eve that Bawdy and she were meant to be. I couldn't stop it. She couldn't have happened upon a nicer fellow. Still, I suspected she was never meant to be mine to begin with. I gave my most heartfelt blessing, and shut the door behind me, leaving them to spend a beautiful night together.
As it turned out, it was not to go as planned with my "true love". Bawdy and my dear, sweet girl grew closer as we grew distant. I realised at the end of New Year's Eve that Bawdy and she were meant to be. I couldn't stop it. She couldn't have happened upon a nicer fellow. Still, I suspected she was never meant to be mine to begin with. I gave my most heartfelt blessing, and shut the door behind me, leaving them to spend a beautiful night together.
I was right, they are great together.
As it turned out, it was not to go as planned with my garlic bread. Bawdy and my dear, sweet garlic bread grew closer as we grew distant. I realised at the end of New Year's Eve that Bawdy was going to eat my fucking garlic bread. I couldn't stop it. What a dick! Still, I suspected it was gone off by now. I gave my most heartfelt cackle, and shut the door behind me, leaving him to spend a hellish night regretting his choice.
I was right, he has suffered greatly.
As it turned out, it was not to go as planned with my garlic bread. Bawdy and my dear, sweet garlic bread grew closer as we grew distant. I realised at the end of New Year's Eve that Bawdy was going to eat my fucking garlic bread. I couldn't stop it. What a dick! Still, I suspected it was gone off by now. I gave my most heartfelt cackle, and shut the door behind me, leaving him to spend a hellish night regretting his choice.
I was right, he has suffered greatly.
Nonetheless, in spite of the great joy afforded me by Bawdy's demise, I have spent the last few days sleeping in something resembling a mix of the recovery and foetal positions. And it is in light of such continued agony that I am endeavouring to clean up my act and make the following, solemn declaration:
In 2012, I will not slip in unknown substances, face-plant against a wall, or trip into a bath. I'm hopeful these are resolutions I can keep but, then again, I have been lied to by myself before.
In 2012, I will not slip in unknown substances, face-plant against a wall, or trip into a bath. I'm hopeful these are resolutions I can keep but, then again, I have been lied to by myself before.
