Cheer

Behold a cautionary tale. This is what is to be expected when people make common or garden variety requests of me. As always, some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Marion: "Can you say something to cheer me up please? I've had a bad day."

And so it began. Really, what followed should not have been a surprise to anyone.

Deebs: "Aww. Well, somewhere, right now a puppy is possibly gently nuzzling a fluffy rabbit while happy children frolic in the vicinity.

More than likely these pets were bought by an absentee father, trying to sway their affection from their mother after a bitter divorce, but still....

Maybe there were kittens somewhere, bought by the mother's new boyfriend, Steve. Steve is a jerk and has been giving lingering looks at Janet, the daughter. Still, he maybe bought kittens, and that was nice.

Absentee dad always buys the best ice-cream, when he shows up. Still, he smells faintly of rum and regret. He cries at exactly 8.13pm every Sunday. He misses his youth. He claims to have been so handsome.

The rabbit is so fluffy that you could almost lose a hand in his coat. This is an unwelcome reminder for young Tommy, who lost his hand in an industrial accident last year. He resents the rabbit. He has been tearing the wings off flies, and burning Barbie dolls.

Soon, he will be ready to kill Mr Fluffle Mittens.

The mother, Tracy, or Trace to her friends (of which there are few remaining since Absentee Dad turned their friends against her in the aftermath of the divorce) , left A.D. after he hit her in an argument over the correct pronunciation of the word "socks". She was correct, of course; nobody in their right mind believes that the first 's' is silent. She could not carry on in that sham of marriage any more after that straw broke the camel's back.

Now, it's sadly ironic that she can't get off unless Steve slaps her (open hand, never closed fist, cos she's not a masochist). Steve struggles with erectile dysfunction, except when he's around Janet. Steve is a creepy man. Now, the sound of their mother being slapped as she screams in apparent agony is what makes the children cry at night.

The bunny's cage was open this morning. There are fliers up all around town looking for Mr Fluffle Mittens. Janet is distraught. Tommy itches his stump shiftily.

Think of how cute a puppy nuzzling that fluffy rabbit would have been."

Marion: "Aww poor Fluffle Mittens. Can you buy me a bunny?"

Deebs: "That's MR Fluffle Mittens."

Marion: "Can you buy me a bunny, Mr Fluffle Mittens?"

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm the best cheerer upper in the business right now.