Just A Girl

I write personal stories that I find to have been amusing in some way. People read those stories and hopefully agree more often than not. This post is not about humour. Here's a story.

I have a vivid memory of walking down the street outside my home in Dublin one night. I remember the lighting, the minute breeze and the clothes I was wearing. I don't, however, remember how long ago this was exactly. It was likely 10 years ago, but may have been less. Why I remember the other details, is because they were important to the event.

I was walking to my friend's house, maybe a three minute walk from my own. A little bit in front of me on the path, I spotted a small woman who, even in the darkness, I recognised as a lady from a few doors down who I'd known my whole life. I'd been friends with her son growing up. And knowing that she was friendly with my friend's parents, I was confident that she was likely walking to the same location as I was. She looked briefly over her shoulder in my direction as we both walked that path, and then she crossed the road. Guess I was wrong. Just before I reached my destination, she crossed back again to my side, and we had a brief chat before both going inside. Even as we were talking, I was running through what had just happened in my mind.

Why had she crossed the road?

She saw behind her a figure, shrouded in shadow, and thought it wise to create some separation. She was scared I could have attacked her. I was stung, hurt even. I'm a relatively tall guy at just over 6 feet, sure, but few who know me would consider my as anything other than a docile and gentle guy. How dare she make such an assumption just because she saw a tall figure walking behind her? She was a fool to react so defensively without reason. I remember that night, and my feelings, but have never actually considered it in any depth until today.

I believed that her doing as she did was an implied insult to me. How dare she think I'd attack her, with no reason for her to jump to such a conclusion? Small town, not that late at night, and I'm just a guy who happens to be kinda tall. What reason did she have to think so ill of me?

She had every reason in the world. This is the world we live in. Women are fearful of men, and how could they not be? People are fearful of people, for threats perceived and actual, and that is kind of something that is impossible to escape. Yet, women have more to fear on a daily basis than I likely ever will. And that disgusts me.

I've spent a lot of time this weekend trawling through coverage of the events in Santa Barbara. A young man, well off and seemingly somewhat educated, killed several people and injured many others in a truly horrifying attack. As usual, recriminations and musings have been immediate, constant and prone to wild sweeping statements. It is not a simple matter to determine why this person did what they did. He was not well, and people need to realise that no one aspect of his person can necessarily be identified as the sole reason for this crime. That said, it has highlighted for me the state of modern misogyny, and it is truly distressing to behold.

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a post on Facebook talking about the "not all men" attitude towards sexism and abuse of women. I checked out the link, and was unimpressed by the article. It had, for my money, strayed beyond a reasonable point of view and into a "look how stupid all men are" stance that should surely be at odds with a piece trying to highlight gender inequality. I took particular umbrage with the term "reverse sexism" and argued this point with the poster of the link. Happily, I believe she viewed such a term similarly. All sexism is sexism. Still, that said, not all sexism is created equal, if you'll grant me such a statement. Men do face issues, and abuse of men is often treated in a terribly off-hand way, but we have it so easy by comparison that it is impossible to truly comprehend.

In light, of the crimes perpetrated in Santa Barbara, a Twitter hashtag of #YesAllWomen has sprung up and trended. It is both eye-opening and heartbreaking, and I invite you to check it out yourself. The fact is that women are treated in a disgraceful manner on a daily basis. I'm not talking necessarily about rape or such grave instances as the tragedy presently in the news, but just "the little things". The way that women voicing their experiences or opinions are so mercilessly shot down in degrading ways. The way that men voicing support are derided and abused for some perceived slight to their own gender. The sheer hatred that voicing any opinion can bring.

There is a feeling that anything said or done online is exempt from consideration as a real world topic. A comment on the internet is not necessarily a tree falling in a wood, even if it can often seem so. The internet is still part of the real world. Hiding behind a keyboard does not grant people the right to say or do anything they see fit. Your online self is just an extension of your "real self". It is a means to express an opinion. It does reflect the views or mentality of the person behind the typing. People often excuse such people by referring to them as merely being a "troll". They're just seeking a reaction, and this is not necessarily how they view a topic. Does this not also suggest a person with a problematic view on the world though? Sure, they're only saying it to elicit a response, but who does that? The post that I read that originally directed me to Twitter (which you may know I happily avoid at all costs) featured a comment that really got under my skin. Uncharacteristically, I felt the need to reply.

Internet Commenter: LOL is this the only way these sloots can make themselves relevant, by using some mentally ill aspies shooting spree as a vehicle for their own agenda?

Also, lol at reading those tweets, the collective IQ of all the participants wouldn’t add up to 140 characters, where do these sloots think they live? All of that imaginary fear and victimhood from wealthy white, educated( only moderately,obviously) sloots is pretty sad when you consider the lot of women in poor countries and these sloots have to invent problems to give themselves validation.

Deebs: I know you’re either a troll, or an insufferable idiot, or (to be more accurate) both, and so replying to this is merely feeding your desire for attention, but here I am regardless.

I’m not going to waste my time making coherent or revelatory points about how shitty a human being this post suggests you to be. What would be the point? I’m just going to tell you to stay silent if you don’t have anything interesting or important to say. Step away from your keyboard and do something, anything to better yourself today.

Internet Commenter: I dont have a desire for attention, brah, I’m merely bringing some honesty to a site where it has been sorely lacking for some time. I’m not going to subscribe the sheeple groupthink posted above, which you obviously subscribe to, seeing as how feminist buzzwords from the 70′s, repackaged for shallow empty headed sloots on twitter, is characterised by you as “important” “coherant and revelatory”. If you got anything other than mirth out of the tweets above, you need to reevaluate your life, education and consider re/enrolling in university brah.

I better myself everyday brah, how much do you squat?

Deebs: I never stated my opinion on this post, as it happens. I just stated my opinion on your comment. Too often people wonder whether someone is stupid, or “just a troll”, and I want it said that there is no difference there. You, sir, are not happy. I am sorry for you, and anyone who has to suffer you.

I had spent a good deal of time reading into the Santa Barbara events on Saturday by the time my girlfriend arrived to my flat in the wee hours of the morning, impressively drunk and soaking from the rain. Once dried off and comfortable, she related to me the story of how she had been groped in a bar that night and had spoken up in order to put the guy responsible in his place. The fact that she did so seems entirely out of character for such a quiet girl, and I am very happy that she called him on it. It is never acceptable to do that. It is a form of sexual assault which is too readily brushed off with an "ah it happens". I don't know any woman who hasn't had a guy touch her up without her consent. Not one. How the fuck is that something that I can say? How do we live in world where me expressing my horror and revulsion at a guy groping someone is met with "you're one of the good ones"? How is that seen as a rare trait?

I was speaking to a female friend of mine a few days ago, who told me she was happy with how things were going with a new man in her life and how considerate he had been. And, yes, from what I've heard he has been quite lovely in such a regard. Still, one thing she said greatly upset me, as seen in the following exchange.

Friend: "I didn't know men like this actually existed. Like, I thought he had taken a photo of my ass, but he got offended and denied it. Then he said if he wanted to he would have asked. He would have ASKED! Imagine that?!"

Deebs: "Er....is that not just regular man behaviour? NOT being a pervy fucker?"

Friend: "Nope. He's opening my eyes to a lot of shit I've put up with."

I am not for one second calling myself perfect. I have done many things I am not proud of. I am not a person who should be held up as an exceptional case of being a "good guy". Yet, I have often been told this. I have often been told that my basic manners, politeness and willingness to treat women as people are really positive characteristics. I am not now, nor have I ever been, able to get my head around that. How are such simple things seen as an unexpected quirk of character? I have never groped a woman. I refuse to treat women as though they are pieces of meat, or second class citizens. I would not say I was raised in any way that saw extraordinary emphasis on how to correctly treat a lady. I just always thought this was the way that it should be. I wouldn't want to be abused, assaulted or talked down to, so why would I deem it right to do so to another person? That I continue to be shocked upon hearing that such behaviour is rare, is largely down to the fact that I have so few friends who would behave in any way different to myself. In a conversation just moments ago with my flatmate, we shared notes on how women have spoken to us about being abused or touched inappropriately on a day to day basis, and neither of us could think of guys we know who we could see doing such things. It's just how our social spheres are. Yet, I've come to realise how unusual it is for girls to be treated fairly.

Women fear men almost constantly. My girlfriend calls me any time she is on her way home and has to walk through a particularly dark patch of street near her flat, just in case.

Men complain about being placed in the "friend zone". I get it, I do. It can be heartbreaking to fall for someone who doesn't feel the same way about you. That doesn't make it their fault. When I've liked girls who have not felt the same about me, I've usually accepted it. When I've not, I've accepted that it's because there is an aspect of myself that is the reason they're not interested. If this was not something I could change, I've moved the fuck on. I have no entitlement to anything else. If I say "no", it does not mean I'm playing hard to get, or denying someone out of spite something that they deserve. It's my choice who I have any kind of sexual contact with, just as it is everybody else's decision who they allow close to them.

Every girl I know has been sexually assaulted in some way, even if in a manner societally deemed as an everyday kind of thing.

How is this acceptable?