I went to meet my ex-flatmate for a crafty beer or two, and to collect the stunning amount of post that has accumulated in the nine months since I moved out and didn't get any of my mail redirected. Yet, beforehand, and in complete opposition to the spirit in which he once started a blog to try to teach me basic cooking skills- http://recipesfordeebs.blogspot.co.uk/ - I went to a fast food franchise for my signature Blandy Meal. There were a few obnoxious kids at a table behind and to the right, the youngest of whom was 7 years of pure sugar and he was literally climbing the walls. Also, the fuckers had balloons, and I was exceedingly jealous of this fact. So, I was in a toilet cubicle, and the second I unlocked the door to leave, the door was pushed in against me. Steady on, hombre. The pressure on the door was coming from not a great height, so either a child or an eager midget. It was the wall-climber, and he just stared mindlessly at me as he continually tried to walk through me in this tiny space. No request for space was met with a verbal response, so I eventually just had to try to squeeze past. In short, I had to manoeuvre a child out of my path with my crotch. I crotched a small boy in the side of the head in a fast food bathroom.
Now, onto today.
Day 3
09:42 Working computer again. I'm on a roll. Today's players scheduled are Mad Hatter and Cinderella in the front, Pocahontas and Mufasa in the rear.
10:01 No sign of Cinderella. Not entirely surprising. Should have called her Sleeping Beauty.
10:07 A season ticket sold to a man whose laugh spoke of internal strife and a lifetime of sadness.
10:10 Cinderella has been called. No response. We're starting to gradually come to terms with her likely death. I'll share my thoughts through the day as we reflect on this tragedy. She was always such a lovely....
10:11 ....false alarm. Cinderella has contacted the box office. In an occurrence that is wholly out of character for her (much as sarcasm is for me), she has slept in. Of course, if I was holding someone hostage, I'd probably get her to call in to work with a similarly plausible (on the face of it) excuse. Blink once for "yes", twice for "no", Cinderella!
10:17 The tall woman passes by once more. She promised she'd lift me this time, so I raise my arms accordingly and swivel excitedly in my chair. A squeal escapes my lips. She smiles and gives me the finger. No lift. Devastated.
10:29 A lady enters. She wishes for tickets for a preview. She is two months early. Happens. She was lovely, and I wish her luck with an honest smile as she heads onto the next theatre on her list of places to buy tickets today.
10:39 Cinderella's pumpkin has pulled up outside. She's free! And she's late as fuck.
10:45 Blue-screened phone system. Surprisingly common occurrence. Floppy disk drive issues.
11:03 Checked the phones by calling the box office. Cinderella answered. We had a brief phone chat sitting side by side. She has a charming phone manner. I didn't buy tickets though.
11:30 Cinderella is calling customers from the problem folder to see if we can resolve issues with their bookings. Old guy can't bear to let his season booking lapse, but he's just not physically up to it anymore. Saddening.
11:35 Cinderella's ears are pricked. What's that song, Mufasa? It's Paul Simon, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. I leave this information here with neither comment nor judgement.
11:39 A woman is befuddled. She does a full spin on her heels in the foyer. And another. Our brochure's over here. Nope, not there. Here. Here! IT'S HERE!
11:50 "Good aftern....I mean, morning." First incoming call of the day, and I've already forgotten how to speak. Putting tickets on reserve for the lovely people at a group that books for people with disabilities. Nice folk doing nice things.
12:08 Transport for the elderly and/or infirm pulls up outside. Probably here for us then. Or maybe they fancy a low-quality Chinese buffet. Hope they're not here for that, cos it's been closed down for months now. The local pimps and prostitutes have been going hungry for months.
12:16 London Boys, "Requiem" pulled up on screen, as it was shamefully omitted from yesterday's account of late 80s musical time. The video, near as I can tell, takes place in Tim Burton's bedroom, and features a cross between Crocodile Dundee re-imagined by a dominatrix and Kung Lao from Mortal Kombat. Worth a watch through your fingers.
12:27 Mufasa playing some dynamite choons round the back.
12:29 Third phone call of the day. Previous two were from the same person. This ends much as they did, without purchase.
12:40 Taking advantage of Cinderella's weakened state by using it as an opportunity to crush her spirit and self-belief. I'm not a good man, and it passes the time.
12:41 Post! And a season ticket renewal each for Cinderella, and I. Crucially, there's also one for Mufasa. Mufasa is on the scoreboard with his first sale of the week.
12:48 Someone comes in to confirm the tickets I'd reserved for them earlier, and Cinderella steals the sale.
12:50 "I may legitimately use my lunch break today to have a nap". Cinderella, all over the blog today, is struggling.
12:55 There's talk of baked potatoes from Mavie's in Grassmarket. Mavie has earned his shout-out.
13:35 I give up my computer so Cinderella can complete a sale after her barely functioning computer has crashed. How does she repay me for this kindness? By viciously fraping me while I'm out buying the traditional chocolate Buttons. Apparently, I'm a "Salad Girl" at Hooters in Atlanta, Georgia now, for one thing. Associating me with salad is an abhorrent crime. A grave insult that shall not go without retribution. Sure, I once fraped her as she attended to a first aid emergency, but that was funny.
13:54 "There is no Cinderella, only Zuul". Curious development here, but it seems there's a new man in Cinderella....er....Zuul's life. His name is The Keymaster, apparently. Lovely name. I've asked if they have any cool plans for the weekend. Something about meeting a friend named Gozer? It's nice she's found someone else, and she's clearly happy. She's practically levitating. She doesn't look well though. I'm not sure goths are allowed to be jaundiced.
14:29 Presently engaged in an elastic band flicking war with Mufasa. Battles have been raging for approximately 15 minutes now. War is hell. Well, this is less a war, and more an example of what would happen if the United States started bombing one old man living in assisted care in Margate. I can't get my angles right, and I've been massacred.
14:35 I flinch whenever I hear that telltale ping, and yet my feeble cries for mercy fall on deaf ears. Mufasa truly is a monster.
14:37 As the dust settles, I've not seen this many bands lying around since Cinderella's last party.
14:57 A flock of new recruits arrive from a festival to have a tour of the venue. Not sure if "flock" is the most accurate collective noun for them though. A misery? A misery of new recruits seems more fitting. Problem is, we have a rehearsal going on in the auditorium at the moment. Mufasa sets off to show them everywhere the light touches.
15:31 Fuck it, it's Cards Against Humanity o'clock.
15:44 Cinderella has been routinely unable to finish a sentence without hyperventilating through horrified tears of laughter during this game.
16:03 A woman just wandered in, turned left and walked to the far end of the foyer. In the distance we could hear her asking "Is this the box office?". I'm not sure where she's gone, or who she was talking to, but I think they're bundling her into a van as I type.
16:06 Pocahontas is a dark horse in this game. So dark.
16:07 Everybody seems to have lost their powers of speech. I've not heard this many garbled sentences since the last Frock gig. Frock are Cinderella's band, named because "frock" rhymes with "rock", and girls wear dresses. I'm not making this up.
16:47 And the scores are in. With a last gasp Hail Mary, Pocahontas takes the win courtesy of "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's....surprise sex."
Pocahontas: 13
Mad Hatter: 12
Mufasa: 11
Cinderella: 8
17:00 Quick, before the phone rings for the first time in several hours, kill the phones. Put the "closed" signs up, and fuck off home.
Time killed mostly with: Cowering in fear from volleys of elastic bands aimed directly at my eyeballs. Also, the relentless character assassination of Cinderella, even though she's lovely.
Total ticket sales
Cinderella: 9
Flounder: 2
Maleficent: 3
Deebs AKA Mad Hatter: 7
Pocahontas: 2
Mufasa: 2
11:39 A woman is befuddled. She does a full spin on her heels in the foyer. And another. Our brochure's over here. Nope, not there. Here. Here! IT'S HERE!
11:50 "Good aftern....I mean, morning." First incoming call of the day, and I've already forgotten how to speak. Putting tickets on reserve for the lovely people at a group that books for people with disabilities. Nice folk doing nice things.
12:08 Transport for the elderly and/or infirm pulls up outside. Probably here for us then. Or maybe they fancy a low-quality Chinese buffet. Hope they're not here for that, cos it's been closed down for months now. The local pimps and prostitutes have been going hungry for months.
12:16 London Boys, "Requiem" pulled up on screen, as it was shamefully omitted from yesterday's account of late 80s musical time. The video, near as I can tell, takes place in Tim Burton's bedroom, and features a cross between Crocodile Dundee re-imagined by a dominatrix and Kung Lao from Mortal Kombat. Worth a watch through your fingers.
12:27 Mufasa playing some dynamite choons round the back.
12:29 Third phone call of the day. Previous two were from the same person. This ends much as they did, without purchase.
12:40 Taking advantage of Cinderella's weakened state by using it as an opportunity to crush her spirit and self-belief. I'm not a good man, and it passes the time.
12:41 Post! And a season ticket renewal each for Cinderella, and I. Crucially, there's also one for Mufasa. Mufasa is on the scoreboard with his first sale of the week.
12:48 Someone comes in to confirm the tickets I'd reserved for them earlier, and Cinderella steals the sale.
12:50 "I may legitimately use my lunch break today to have a nap". Cinderella, all over the blog today, is struggling.
12:55 There's talk of baked potatoes from Mavie's in Grassmarket. Mavie has earned his shout-out.
13:35 I give up my computer so Cinderella can complete a sale after her barely functioning computer has crashed. How does she repay me for this kindness? By viciously fraping me while I'm out buying the traditional chocolate Buttons. Apparently, I'm a "Salad Girl" at Hooters in Atlanta, Georgia now, for one thing. Associating me with salad is an abhorrent crime. A grave insult that shall not go without retribution. Sure, I once fraped her as she attended to a first aid emergency, but that was funny.
13:54 "There is no Cinderella, only Zuul". Curious development here, but it seems there's a new man in Cinderella....er....Zuul's life. His name is The Keymaster, apparently. Lovely name. I've asked if they have any cool plans for the weekend. Something about meeting a friend named Gozer? It's nice she's found someone else, and she's clearly happy. She's practically levitating. She doesn't look well though. I'm not sure goths are allowed to be jaundiced.
14:29 Presently engaged in an elastic band flicking war with Mufasa. Battles have been raging for approximately 15 minutes now. War is hell. Well, this is less a war, and more an example of what would happen if the United States started bombing one old man living in assisted care in Margate. I can't get my angles right, and I've been massacred.
14:35 I flinch whenever I hear that telltale ping, and yet my feeble cries for mercy fall on deaf ears. Mufasa truly is a monster.
14:37 As the dust settles, I've not seen this many bands lying around since Cinderella's last party.
14:57 A flock of new recruits arrive from a festival to have a tour of the venue. Not sure if "flock" is the most accurate collective noun for them though. A misery? A misery of new recruits seems more fitting. Problem is, we have a rehearsal going on in the auditorium at the moment. Mufasa sets off to show them everywhere the light touches.
15:31 Fuck it, it's Cards Against Humanity o'clock.
15:44 Cinderella has been routinely unable to finish a sentence without hyperventilating through horrified tears of laughter during this game.
16:03 A woman just wandered in, turned left and walked to the far end of the foyer. In the distance we could hear her asking "Is this the box office?". I'm not sure where she's gone, or who she was talking to, but I think they're bundling her into a van as I type.
16:06 Pocahontas is a dark horse in this game. So dark.
16:07 Everybody seems to have lost their powers of speech. I've not heard this many garbled sentences since the last Frock gig. Frock are Cinderella's band, named because "frock" rhymes with "rock", and girls wear dresses. I'm not making this up.
16:47 And the scores are in. With a last gasp Hail Mary, Pocahontas takes the win courtesy of "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's....surprise sex."
Pocahontas: 13
Mad Hatter: 12
Mufasa: 11
Cinderella: 8
17:00 Quick, before the phone rings for the first time in several hours, kill the phones. Put the "closed" signs up, and fuck off home.
Time killed mostly with: Cowering in fear from volleys of elastic bands aimed directly at my eyeballs. Also, the relentless character assassination of Cinderella, even though she's lovely.
Total ticket sales
Cinderella: 9
Flounder: 2
Maleficent: 3
Deebs AKA Mad Hatter: 7
Pocahontas: 2
Mufasa: 2
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