How to Talk to Box Office Staff

The much publicised article on "How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones" has received plentiful scorn and criticism over the last week or so. Some have viewed it as a how-to guide for those who wish to harass women in the street, but have lacked the confidence to do so until now. Others have expressed differing viewpoints, probably. How else are you supposed to talk to women against their will if someone's not there to provide step by step instructions? And that's a good point. If you can't learn to take basic social cues, or take "no" for answer, then how are you supposed to force people to do what you wish, even if they are ugly bitches that you didn't even want to talk to anyway? Well, I say "people".... Obviously, we all know that women aren't really people. Not like you and I, fellow human men.

Anyway, speaking of non-people, and inspired by the powerhouse of modern thinking that wrote the above mentioned piece, I thought I'd share with you a guide on how to interact with box office staff. And, if you don't like it, I'll just edit it and also add in some testimony from my fans. I could have fans.

How to Talk to Box Office Staff

These days, it can be hard to appear cultured and pretend to be tapped into the artistic pulse of society. In a world where advancing technology has allowed for new media and the ability for any man, woman or cat to gain a voice and an audience, sometimes it can be tricky to find the right event at which to be seen. In these difficult times, it's good to know that you can walk into any theatre and find someone to ask about their upcoming performances. After all, theatre is what the intellectuals look at, eh? It might not be as good as TV or something, but if you just pretend to know what you're talking about then people will see how smart and interesting you are.

Often, the staff will appear busy, but that doesn't mean you cannot speak to them. It's their job to serve you, and they'll appreciate the opportunity to speak to you. You pay their wages.

The Approach

As you approach, awkwardly dance in front of them to suggest that you are unsure of which member of staff to approach. Laugh as you do this, so they are put at ease and can appreciate the originality of your hilarious gambit. Men, be sure to choose the pretty girl if one is present, and inform them of the reasons for your choice. Women, defer to your man's better judgement in choosing the appropriate staff member here. Stand directly in front of them, displaying no weakness (as close as humanly possibly. Ideally, close enough that they will be able to taste you. If you can manage to actually be inside them, that's perfect).

Have a smirk that betrays your confidence that you own them, even though you have no idea what you're on about. It's not important to have even the vaguest clue what you're here for, as it's the help's job to work that shit out for you. Most of them will hang up the phone on whatever other loser they're talking to at this point, so just start expecting them to psychically divine your needs from here on out.

However, if they haven't looked at you, or haven't noticed you yet, simply get their attention with a click of your fingers. Maybe stare at your watch a couple of times, and sigh audibly no less than once every 5-10 seconds. They will most likely speak to you at this point, appreciating that you have more important matters to attend to, and regretting that they've wasted this much of your time.

If they persist in dealing with whatever else they're doing before accommodating you, make sure to convey your exasperation in the tone of voice you use when they finally grant you audience.

Of course, if they steadfastly refuse to recognise your importance, direct your attention to their co-worker. Do not tolerate their insolence. Feel free to dart your glance furiously between the two. Subconsciously, they will feel the need to compete for your custom. They are as bitches to you.

The interaction should proceed as follows:

Customer: Tickets.

Staff: (impressed at your stripped down approach to conversation) Yes, sir. What would you like to see?

Customer: What's on?

Staff: (should be giggling and flirting by this point) This month, we have a show called....

Customer: Two tickets.

Staff: OK, what date would you like to go?

Customer: I can do any day.

Staff: Alright, well our best availability would be this Tuesday, where we can....

Customer: Can't do this Tuesday.

Staff: How about next Thursday?

Customer: Can't do days that begin with the letter 'T'. Actually, I can only go on a Friday, three weeks from last week.

Staff: (respecting your ability to keep them on their toes) So....two weeks from now then?

Customer: *sigh* (this will stamp out their sass)

Staff: (contrite, besotted) Would you prefer seats in the stalls, grand circle, or upper circle?

Customer: I don't know. What do you have?

Staff: Approximately 400 seats are still available for....

Customer: Show me each one on your screen.

Having asserted your dominance in this conversation (and torn the computer from their clutches so they cannot withhold any of the secret seats that we all know they keep hidden from us) they will be yours to mold. They will crave your acceptance, and spread word far and wide of the day they met their match. Refuse to give them details. It's all just a trick so they can call you up in the middle of night and beg you for money to feed their drug addictions.

Look behind you, over both shoulders. If there is no queue, continue as before. Should a queue have developed, gesture with your fellow customers in a manner that conveys the futility of your dealngs with these simpletons.

Take out your phone, and make a phone call, whilst maintaining your position at their counter. This will further demonstrate to them that you have better things to do.

Common Mistakes Made When Approaching Box Office Staff

I) Providing any reasonable amount of information that they could use to push through a booking in a supposedly reasonable amount of time. They're swindling you, somehow. Stay frosty.

II) Heeding their advice. You know better.

III) Remembering details. These tickets that were sold to you as restricted view do not have a full view of the stage. This shall not stand! Stand up straight, lest they deduce how ineffectual your genitals are, and unleash your righteous fury. Poke people in the chest with your finger. How long have they been alive? Not as long as you, that's how long!

IV) Allowing them and their ilk to dictate where you can and cannot go in the theatre. Barriers were not meant for you. Move those stage lights out of your way. Rules were made for weaker people than you. You fought in wars....or at least, you would have had there been any good wars on when you were younger.

V) Taking their word for it when they say that a performance is "sold out". The correct response is to ask them to clarify this statement repeatedly. What does "sold out" mean anyway? There must be one ticket. You only need four. Are there none in the stalls? Fine, grand circle then. Not one ticket available in the whole theatre? Alright, alright....how about two and two?

VI) If this approach makes you feel uncomfortable, you may attempt to communicate with them as people. You can remain patient, present your preferred options and listen to what they have to say, on the assumption that they may have a keener insight than you into the workings of the venue. This will not garner their respect. The more assertive males among us shall instruct our women to wave at you from the centre of....I don't know....the boxes, or something. That's where the Queen sits like, yeah?. You will learn your lesson through envy, peasant.


So, there it is. Now you know how to speak to box office staff. Be the sociopath you were born to be. Fuck shit up, compadre.